LOBOTOMY IS THE ANSWER!
4/23/04 - I was wondering how we could have gotten into the Alice In
Wonderlandish situation. Now we know. Thanks for sending this Taigen! - DC
Monty Python member Terry Jones has finally managed to clarify for us
George W.'s war policy. - Taigen Dan Leighton.
Invade Iraq? It's a no brainer
Terry Jones on what makes our leaders tick
Monday April 19, 2004
Everyone agrees that President George Bush's lobotomy has been a
Dick Cheney, the vice-president, declared that he was fully satisfied with
it from his point of view.
"Without the lobotomy," Mr Cheney told the American Academy of
Neurology, "it might have proved difficult to persuade the president
to start wars all around the world without any good pretext. But the
removal of those parts of the brain associated with understanding the
outcome of one's actions has enabled the president to function fully and
without hesitation. Even when it is clear that disaster is around the
corner, as it is currently in Iraq, the chief executive is able to go on
TV and announce that everything is on course and that he has no intention
of changing tactics that have already proved disastrous.
"I would like to commend the surgeons, nurses and all involved with
the operation," said Mr Cheney.
Similarly, Donald Rumsfeld regards the surgery as an unqualified success.
He writes in this month's American Medical Association Journal: "The
president's prefrontal leucotomy has successfully removed all neural
reflexes resistant to war-profiteering. It is a tribute to the medical
team who undertook this delicate operation that, no matter how close the
connection between those instigating military action and the companies who
benefit from it, the president is able to carry on as if he were morally
in the right."
Paul Wolfowitz, the deputy secretary of defence, is also delighted at the
beneficial effect that medical intervention has had on the president.
"Just imagine how the president might have responded to Ariel
Sharon's crazy schemes if we hadn't had the foresight to take out the
neural pathways normally connected with perception and
understanding," Mr Wolfowitz told a meeting of the Association of
Muslim Neurosurgeons For An All-Jewish Israel. "The president is now
capable of treating the man responsible for the massacres at Shatila and
Sabra as a decent human being, whose advice on how to deal with the
problems of Israel is worth not only listening to, but also taking."
With all this acclaim for the US president's lobotomy, it is scarcely
surprising that Tony Blair, should have decided to follow suit and undergo
Thanks to the inhibition of specific presynaptic terminals, Mr Blair now
appears to feel totally comfortable giving his support to the US massacre
in Falluja and to the activities of US snipers who have been so busy in
that city shooting women, children and ambulance drivers in revenge for
the murder of four mercenaries.
It is also believed that intervention in the motor speech area of his
cortex now enables Mr Blair to describe Iraqis who respond negatively to
having their houses blown up as "fanatics, extremists and
Similarly ablation of the oculomotor nerve means that Mr Blair is now able
to see Israeli plans to retain Jewish settlements in the West Bank as a
big step forward in the Middle East peace process.
What has come as a complete surprise, however, is the recent revelation
that Mr Blair's brain surgery may even predate President Bush's. For
without the removal of large portions of his cerebellum, it is hard to
understand how the British prime minister could have turned down Mr Bush's
no-strings offer to keep British troops out of combat in Iraq.
Political commentators are thus finding it impossible to say whether it is
Mr Bush or Mr Blair who has pioneered the use of executive lobotomies in
the war against terrorism.
· Terry Jones is a writer, film director, actor and Python