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And now for a little diversion from the gang at cuke.com - - -

Interview with the Author

By DC--

Interviewer: Good day everyone and welcome to another chapter of Interview with the Author. Iím your host, Alan McDalan. And before we get into our interview with the author and an in-depth look at his book, let me just take this opportunity to remind you of my own humble contribution to the world of publishing, "Alan McDalanís Interview Guide" published by myself! If you want to purchase a copy just write to us here at Alan McDalanís Interview Guide at Bennett Valley Cable, 4044 Bennett Valley Road, Santa Rosa, CA 95404. That aside, I now turn to our guest and welcome to you, our guest, the author.

Author: Well thank you. Iím most happy to be here.

Interviewer: Tell our audience, did it take you long to write this book?

Author: Uh, well, yes I guess so. Itís sort of relative.

Interviewer: Well how long did you take to write it?

Author: I uh Ė oh about two years.

Interviewer: Thatís very impressive. And was it fun to write?

Author: Huh? Oh Ė well I guess it was fun at times, but mainly it was a lot of work. When I startedÖ

Interviewer: And when did you start to write it?

Author: Oh Ė ba Ėba ba Ė about three years ago. ButÖ

Interviewer: And what were the first words you wrote?

Author: The title! Thatís the first thing I came up with. I mean, when I thought ofÖ

Interviewer: Are titles important in your line of work?

Author: Well of course. Itís how people remember the book and recognize it on the shelves of bookstores. I thought about what would be a catchy title for the subject and thatís why I came up withÖ

Interviewer: Did you find the subject interesting?

Author: Yes, of course Ė thatís why I decided to writeÖ

Interviewer: And how many pages are there in it? Iíll bet there are a lot of pages. You look like a pretty smart guy and an energetic guy too.

Author: Pages? Why Ė I mean whyÖ

Interviewer: Well now donít ask me a question till youíve answered mine. (chuckling) You authors are always trying to turn these interviews around. Think you could do my job?

Author: Well Ė I uh Ė uh Ė I mean - uh

Interviewer: Tell me, do you have a problem with stammering? And if thatís too personal just donít worry about it. You can pass on that if you want.

Author: I Ė I Ė I - I

Interviewer: Do you find that stammering interferes with your writing like it does with interviews or maybe that writing helps to alleviate stammering.

Author: I Ė I Ė I ĖI donít Ė donít sta Ė sta Ė stammer.

Interviewer: Do you find that denial is an obstacle in your work?

Author: Denial? Why would you bring that up? I mean I donítÖ

Interviewer: Oh, yes, of course. (looking down and coughing). Well then letís not bruise any literary egos here and move right on to the next question. You are interested in answering questions about your book, arenít you? I mean, thatís why you came here, right?

Author: Indeed. Ask away. Why not ask me why I called itÖ

Interviewer: Does your book have to be read from the first to the last or can you just flip through it and read here and there at random?

Author: Well of course I ba ba ba I it is to be read from the first page to the last?

Interviewer: In sequential order then?

Author: Well yes.

Interviewer: Then itís no good for browsing?

Author: Well I guessÖ I mean noÖ

Interviewer: Donít be ashamed. Lots of books are no good at all if you pick them up and open up on any page. They just donít pass the test. Now if you take a book like Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, published by Simon & Schuster, available in stores everywhere Ė ah you can open that book up anywhere and itís terrific. I really think that bookís a great read, a real page turner. Have you ever read it?

Author: Yes and I think itís great. And my book has something in common with it in that the nameÖ

Interviewer: Well I donít think they have anything in common. Yours canít be opened anywhere by your own admission. You know, you donít have to resort to exaggeration and false claims to get people interested in your book. Just tell it like it is. And if people find it boring or downright embarrassing, then you just write another one I guess.

Author: But IÖ

Interviewer: Are you thinking of writing another book?

Author: Yes, Iím working on another one now. Itís a sort of a sequel toÖ

Interviewer: And how many pages do you plan to write for your new book?

Author: I have no idea. I mean what theÖ

 Interviewer: Which reminds me Ė you didnít answer how many pages are in the one youíre pushing right now. Do you think itís too short or something?

Author: No. Itís just right.

Interviewer: Then why hide the number of pages?

Author: Iím not hiding the number of pages. There areÖ

Interviewer: If you donít want to tell then donít. Iím not here to expose any of your dirty little secrets.

Author: Secrets? Weíre talking about the number of pages which is.. uh...uh

Interviewer: Thatís okay. We can move on. Donít want it to get embarrassing here. After all, the purpose of this interview is to make a good impression. So how about telling our viewing audience, Mr. literary author, how much does your book weigh?

Author: No. No. I have no idea. But itís name isÖ

Interviewer: Doesnít it matter how much it weighs?

Author: I donít know. I guess if it weighs more itÖ

Interviewer: For instance, if it turns out that itís really a bomb but itís heavy, then some viewer out there might like to find it on a remainder stack and use it for a paperweight or a doorstop.

Author: Thatís the stupidestÖ

Interviewer: You think the viewers of this program are stupid? Not going to sell many books with that attitude now are you?

Author: No I donít think theyíre stupid. I donít even know who they are. But I think your questionsÖ

Interviewer: Letís not get off the subject of your book. Timeís precious here. I mean, can you really afford to be talking about how stupid the viewers are when you could be giving them an in depth feel for the book that you wrote which you donít seem to know much about.

Author: I know the name which isÖ

Interviewer: Wait for the questions please. Canít have this interview going every which direction.

Author: But the name is important and it isÖ

Interviewer: Be patient now. Do you find that impatience interferes with your work?

Author: The name is (canít be heard)

Interviewer: [coughs loudly into his mike over the author]

Author: and my name is [canít hear]

Interviewer: [coughing] Oh excuse me. Well why donít we show the audience out there what your book looks like. Hmm. It feels good. [looking at the cover so that the audience sees the back] and thatís a dandy cover. I donít know Ė maybe itís not so bad. Here Ė take a close look. [He puts the book up toward the camera back side showing.] Thatís a good picture of you.

Author: Yes, and my name isÖ

Interviewer: Though that was some years ago huh?

Author: the bookís calledÖ.

Interviewer: Well thatís about all the time we have for today.

Author: What? I havenít evenÖ

Interviewer: Our guest today has been most interesting and, though heís a bit unruly, I think that what heís done isnít bad for a first book.

Author: The name isÖ [shuts his mike off]

Interviewer: [over authorís non-miked words] We need a little of that academy award music here for the folks that canít stop honking their own horns you know. Just kidding. [music starts playing over authorís attempts] Iím your host, Alan McDalan. And as we say goodbye to our author and an in-depth look at his book, let me just take this opportunity to remind you of my own humble contribution to the world of publishing, "Alan McDalanís Interview guide" published by myself! If you want to purchase a copy just write to us here at Alan McDalanís Interview Guide at Bennett Valley Cable, 4044 Bennett Valley Road, Santa Rosa, CA 95404. That aside, I now turn to our guest and say, farewell to you, our guest, the author. And thanks a lot for coming here today to join us on Interview with the Author. Good day!

[muffled screams with music over it]

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