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Niels Holm Memorial Page

Niels Holm's Farewell Letter

I October 25, 2007 post on Niels Holm Care Page

(Eva) have been asked to post the letter from Niels that O'Neill read at the memorial. Here is what O'Neill read:

I promised Niels that I would bring his words to you. He would have loved to be here as he wanted to show off once more dancing with me. He loved Port Townsend parties so much. I am going to save my own remembrances for one on ones over time. They are so many and so precious I will hold them here for now.

From Niels:

My dear family and my wonderful friends in community. Thank you for meeting me on my extraordinary life-journey and helping me die a peaceful death. I am not sad. I had a beautiful life, found an amazing community and my soul-mate
and sweetheart for what turned out to be my old age.

Thank you for meeting me authentically whenever you were able and in any way you could. My dear Sally, you were the perfect mother for Silas. Silas, I love you and have complete faith in your ability to rise to the challenges I put before you.
You always did and no doubt are and meeting them. Sorry I left you so much deferred maintenance, but it will help you develop.

You have developed from a very beautiful baby (obviously, as you looked just like me) to an extraordinarily perceptive and compassionate human being. Your talents are obvious and I am so proud of you. No father could want more.

O'Neill, Sweetheart, we did it. Everything we ever hoped for in a relationship
we created together. My love for you is so wide and so deep. Hold in your heart
all I have expressed to you in what look to be my last days.

My family, I have had visits and phone calls from you and I think I said to you what I had to say and whatever you could hear. Thank you for supporting Silas, O'Neill and I during the challenges of my illness and death.

I want to tell you, my family and friends about what I learned in my last years, when I went from being 16 to 60 in eight years. I came to Port Townsend a 36 year old
Puer (perpetual child) and I died as an elder. What I developed was my capacity to truly love without fear or reservation. All of you played a part in that as you supported us.

The first inkling I had that I really needed to grow up was when I realized how I was shaming Silas and also other people, putting them down to put myself up.
I don't claim to have completely stopped, but once it was named I could be called
on it, by others and myself. I know I remained competitive, argumentative and full
of opinions and was very often very difficult. I think if I had known how much people loved me, I might have been more polite. But O'Neill says that she preferred my being authentic and maybe that is part of why I was loved. All I know is that I hope I didn't really hurt anyone. It was not my intention if I did.

In this life what I learned most of all was to love and to be loved. I never knew before these last few years that it was possible to find so much joy, peace, happiness, equanimity and love. I am no longer sad about dying. The love that has poured forth in these last weeks have helped me accept the transition that is surely coming soon.

These are the precepts of what I called, BuVu. 1) Do not lie and 2) Do not put down others to raise up yourselves. If you follow these you will have a happier life.

Thank you to all that helped us in these last difficult weeks, driving us, taking phone calls, staying to help in the night, bringing us things, making sure I had the right pain medicine, being with us and especially help O"Neill as she was taking care of me and the household. Roger, Peter John, Arne, Lindsay, Louis, John and
Vicki, Adriane and Jim, Theresa, Joan, Helen, Rima, Kolby, Dava, Diane, Markus,
Marni, Alex, Sally and Lee and Hospice nurses.

Thank you everyone. I die grateful for my life and with acceptance that I am shedding the form that has been temporarily Niels Thorkild Holm.


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